Overcoming Your Demons with Jason Gush

As the host of this podcast, I am always on the lookout for inspiring stories of resilience and determination. 

That's why I was excited to speak with Jason Gush on today's episode. 

Jason is someone who has faced many challenges in his life, particularly when it comes to his mental health, but through it all, he has persevered and come out on the other side a stronger, more self-aware person.

In our conversation, Jason opens up about his journey and shares what he has learned about himself along the way.

Whether you're someone who has struggled with mental health challenges yourself or you're simply looking for an uplifting and inspiring story, you won't want to miss this episode. 

Join me as I talk to Jason Gush about his battle with mental health and his journey to the man he is today.

Hope you enjoy!

Transcript

Hello beautiful soul. I'm Sarah Michaels and welcome to the Elated You podcast where we dive deep into the world of self discovery, growth and healing to find out who you truly are.
 
 I'm really excited this morning because I wanted to bring on a very special guest that I've connected with and my husband's connected with from Queensland, Jason Bush, who has been a part of amend amend men's so I just wanted to bring him on this morning so we can talk a little bit about I want to talk about confidence because if you know and you follow him, you know it's sun's out guns out is always going to top off and so I wanted to bring him on to talk about that but I want to talk about when that started and when he started when he got into the work as well as just a little bit about you know, his childhood because I know that a lot of men can relate and then they can see the difference that they can, you know, make in their own lives. So I just want to say welcome James. Thanks a lot for coming. On. Thanks for having me. I appreciate it.
 
 Again, yeah, really good. And so we were just having a little chat before and I just thought you know what, I'm just gonna press record because I was loving it. And now I just want to kick back and listen to you more. So I was always asked his question. He's like, You know what? Was it for you that you know, made you get into this work? I love starting with that. Yeah, so I got into a poly three years ago, that'll be coming up on the fourth year towards the middle of the year.
 
 Like I said before, we jumped on it, it's more of a as humans we tend to get to a point in life always tends to be rock bottom before we realize something so if I can change and I guess I was at that point, I carried my childhood and most of the shit out been free with me for 30 odd years. And it just got to a boiling point where I was I fucking I was I was at and I was sitting at home and I was writing these letters. I always thought about taking taking like, it was always a thought in the back of my mind. Like, what if I did this, like what if I took my life or what if I wasn't there?
 
 And the backstory to that is like, I had a sister that committed suicide when I was 11.
 
 She was 17. I think she was 70 and 18 in Lacombe, and then when that happened, was sort of I just don't remember. I just remember being really numb to it because I grew up with him. But I was raised in a family of what my dad basically raised me, my mom was sort of left when I was young. My dad's How old were you when she left? I was 11 Maybe 12 on the youngest of three older sisters before three older sisters, and I remember like my dad always, always raised me and he was his based on his now he's my best friend now after all the work that I've done but is he's still sort of involved in gangs in back home in New Zealand.
 
 Right so being raised I was always never told but it was very much the impression of like, you know, men you just you just got to be a tough, tough son of a bitch you don't show your emotions. You just fucking suck it up and get on with life. And it was never something that was directly said to me. There's just a lot of men mark like heavy, like me said tattered, scary, guys. So it's just the impression that I got was that he just was Model T. Yeah, so it was just like that's what I thought I meant was you just don't show your most of the best and you just don't give a fuck about anybody.
 
 So I sort of carried that with me for basically 30 years and it's like I sort of grew a lot of resentment. There's just a bit of a backstory I suppose. But I grew a lot of resentment towards women, especially because my mom left when I was young. So looking back on all of that stuff now I've struggled for 30 years even at times now it's like to trust woman because if I let them in or if they say that by show some sort of vulnerability or or let them love me they're gonna leave me anyway because the most important nominal model I feel left anyway. So I traveled for years to trust woman and my grandmother resentment towards woman, which was obviously based around my mom because she was never there.
 
 She was quite a quite a big drinker. No, she was I mean, when I was younger, she'd always sometimes you'd get drunk and sort of like physically abused my sisters or, or whatever. And then I just grew a lot of hate or DeRay. And then I'm sort of as I got older in my early 20s.
 
 I remember I'd hear from her every now and then but like, it would just be very sporadic and sometimes should be drawn call. And I just remember answering the phone and just being on the fucking talk to you, like, just hanging out on the phone and I was always there and it was, you know, I forgot I want to fucking talk to a man like, I just don't have the time for it. So I just blocked it out. And just that anger, resentment just grew every year and then it got to my early 20s. And I remember I was living with my oldest sister to my Prezi. And I remember one of my mom's friends at the time. I think she had reached out to my sister and said, Look, your mom's terminal cancer. She was riddled with like brain lung cancer, everything. She's actually Scott hasn't got long to love. She wasn't gonna tell you guys because of your relationship, but I'm just reaching out to tell you this. And she lived in like a mining town and birth like, what was it? Like kind of what the place was called? Mom? Yeah. She'd always remember. I mean, really.
 
 She lived here for years. And so we ended up being What's the thing I'm talking about planning, got to see it. And I remember when I walked into a house and I didn't answer my mom in years, and she was just totally unrecognizable, obviously, going through the treatment. Like we were just walking in seeing her and I just lost it and like I just bawled my eyes out.
 
 Like all these years, so fucking angry. Like it still makes me cry now because I remember seeing it. And like I remember saying, What can I she doesn't know here. She couldn't talk to you could only say like yes or no. And it was a real mixed up. And like, she would say yes, or some notion me know and she'd say no, I should mean yes. And I remember just walking in there and just I just lost it. I mean, the last semester what the fuck are you doing, bro? Like, she's gonna, she's gonna pass away you don't have to like fix this relationship.
 
 Fuck. I got to stop doing this shit, man. Like I remember Fox.
 
 And I remember this thing a lot. We've been about probably a week there. And unbelieving. I just remember saying that on fucking so sorry. Sorry. Tough love. I've read. I've told myself that hey, you want to block you out from my life and it wasn't even your fault.
 
 She would have their own stuff you know?
 
 When you find out like it took me a while but like banya, what she'd been for when she was younger. She had my older sister when she was like she was basically a kid when she and my older sister. She'd gone through some shit when she was little and was like at all like it just all makes sense. When you realize she was probably doing the best you can what she knew at the time. Yeah. Fuck I just grew so much hate toward German. Obviously I never really got to appear. There was the last time I saw him. And then not long after she passed away.
 
 And then I just remember thinking fuck if there's one thing I can do to to show her that I love her or to repay or I guess to mend that relationship was to just let it go. Yeah, and fix fix myself and myself. And I'm at the point now where I have nothing but love for her. Like I love her so much. And I'm grateful that it's like there's not an ounce of hate in my body towards her now. Yeah, it's like every day like I'm like, a fee feels like the reason I do this as I guess in a way pay it back like say thank you. Yeah, and I just learned so all that stuff like my sister passed away. Mom passed away. I just carried so much anger just all what I felt like I was just angry at the whole world.
 
 Remember always sitting at home just being like what the fuck is this shit keep happening to me.
 
 I'm fucking sick but like why is this why me and then it just kept going on not just more should just pile on top. I just put up fuck more and more and more like it just kept happening and I just got to the point where I'm just like, you know, relationships or breakdown as men especially we always say this and so it's it's a Rockman the most as a relationship broke down. And I think that was almost timely at the time when I was sort of like 30 and I was going through something like that. And I just remember, like laws act like this on down. I can't I can't do this anymore.
 
 Like I'm literally I've thought about it my whole life and since after my sister died and one thing that kept me here is like I don't know if I can
 
 I don't know if like it can keep going. Yeah, and then I remember just thinking of her calm leave it every time I thought about going and doing it. I can't leave my dad. I my dad's already lost one. My sister has already lost some, like not lose another one. Yeah, so that was one that always kept me here. But then there was just a point where I was like, No, I'm done. I remember sitting at like a lake in my car. I'd been on paper one day and I was just like, I'm done. I'm gonna moment I've written all these notes on my sisters and my dad. Well then, here's one. And I was like, I'm reading this I'm gonna do the same.
 
 And I remember just sitting there writing the door open to my sister family. I don't hell up the road from my house, but it's sort of tucked away. When I'm thinking I'm just gonna write these and I'll just hold them up. And I put them in like a sleeping and I'll just drive straight off the off the thing and clock and I'm in a tomato.
 
 She is she was like I'm not leaving here back therefore fucking out. Like that was it it was not like Starbucks. It was not a lark.
 
 She was like, I'm not leaving you. We're not going anywhere. We'll just stay as long as it takes and we sit there for hours and hours and hours and political attack and then eventually she was just getting ready to go home and
 
 I think so. So she took me home and I remember sitting in my room. And this was not long, like sort of about a month maybe before that. But I was probably in a rougher space and we want to get tissue I remember
 
 standing in the shower. Why? My sister tells me we live together at a time and I was just in the shower bawling my eyes out no reason the Lord is crying.
 
 You're doing this Mrs. flock to her currently doing this. And I remember my dad, my sister told them call my dad was dead. I have never been I've never felt this but I don't want to be here anymore. And he lives in New Zealand and he was like he is gonna get on get on the fucking plane. I'll pay for it and he just come home. So he just ended up booking me a ticket one way and I ended up spending I think probably a month in New Zealand and it was just talking perfect timing. I just got home was living in a sustainable day. And I looked on Facebook and I saw you know that means medicine video that went viral? Yeah, yes. Yes, there was that one. And I'm one of the faces in the video. was a dude that I play footy with Cory fuck years ago right I've spoken to him a years and it was always it was like a big solid Maori do and I'm saying this face in the video and also the fact that the record interest rate I mean yes. And I reached out to him I said, bro Bob Ross this like this looks like somebody only wants to go yes and I'm fucking feeling really shit like I'm ready to like just I don't want to be here anymore. And he goes brother there in New Zealand this weekend you should come along and also back off and I live in like locality coast and like then lower north on in the workshop was a Napier which is a couple hours away. No, not showing up to my oldest sister. It was at my dad's house at the time. And my dad I said, Dad, I'm gonna go and do something like this. And I showed it to my sister. And she she ended up crying. She was a fuck. That's beautiful show my dad he was a schoolboy. And you know, Dad mowdy as well. My dad, my dad. Actually was my mom's malady Yeah, right. Yeah. And so yeah, that will Barfleur will drive you up there. We'll come we'll make a weekend of it and we'll go and stay out there was a fuck yeah, man.
 
 So I ended up going up there and by myself just was like, three, four o'clock in the morning. We had to meet at this place. And he made a drive out to fight back from him.
 
 And then I spent the whole day doing the men's medicine thing and like, I remember just thinking of all these guys here like they feel the same way I do.
 
 Yeah, yeah. That was Robin ma J.
 
 Davidson, down some of them pretty sure Davidson was there.
 
 A boy was there too.
 
 Yeah, and I remember I didn't I never really connected while at the time which was for most people I want the fuck they always send me offense for fucking years, but we haven't just because of the connection that we share. But it's like, Jay, I remember talking to a little bit but we ended up talking about where we live back in Brazil. And it was. I said, I'm in my sister's house and blah blah, blah. And here's a bomb and I'm in this area, which is like 1015 minutes away. So when we get back towards you, we should link up in vain. So we did the whole day and however we came out of the walk, it wasn't made as not late as it might seem in Acropolis on eight o'clock at night. And I remember my dad was waiting for me. We ended up having this big circle to wrap up the day. I could see my dad and something happened. I think it was like yeah, I don't remember why that happened. Like uh, I guess it was mom at the time. And I was like, fuck, I wish I remember thinking I can just remember crying watching them in a big massive circle.
 
 I remember looking down the road at my dad and he was sleeping on the roof of his car and he had a couple of tears coming out. The flux going on him. I have never seen my dad cry ever.
 
 And then I remember I wrapped it all up and I looked back to the car. How was it? I said it was really fun. Good day and he goes and it was like I'm really proud of you suddenly lost a flock. I lost the day because I'm fucking I've always been proud of you. I see you but I've never heard you say that.
 
 Crying, bawling my eyes out.
 
 That's all I want you to say. Because like when I was growing up younger was the snare for you. So you always been proud of you for 40 years. I don't want you to be proud of me personally. Yeah, I want you to be proud of me for like me. Yeah. So when he said that I just bawled my eyes out. And then since that day like monitors relationship has been like, like Unreal. Like he's like my best friend. Now he texts me like every couple of days is a high standard that you know that I love you and I miss you and I'm like douche like that. It never takes me that when more Yeah.
 
 So I ended up coming back to Brazil after about a month in New Zealand. And then that's when I was something that happened. I think I was just going through a relationship breakdown and just all I said was piling on top of me and I remember just like I said sitting and thinking I was running low suicide with like letters and then I ended up going home with them ah my sister and I think Jay called me that by the wind are calling J will come in which one was his I had behind us Yeah, I'm not doing too well, very well. We're really struggling.
 
 And then it was like come pick yourself. Come stay with me for a few days. And I was like, hey, yeah, thanks for sharing can stay away for a few days.
 
 Yeah, right. And then they come and then I got phone and they call me back straight away as I probably can and I'm going to dinner with the kids and stuff is like you should just come but also nonetheless your family my grandmother camis Nana I've already told you like kids and and cardio is that you come in as a class we can make the main barbecue I stared at them for a few days. And then like that was the literally the turning point or coming back understand within for a few days and then one night meant why she talked about this recently.
 
 What I was at Jay's house and it was a problem got to the Goldie this weekend. So he you know the boy was in I don't know I've never seen him at the workshop at the walk in New Zealand but I don't know why I just got to this point and why we're talking about it recently. He's very like selectable he listened to his home in real estate his home.
 
 When Jay was on with Jason like I bring him down for the weekend. You might have he stays and why was that?
 
 Yeah, well that bring it down. So we ended up going down and I ended up saying I was asked all weekend in black. We always laugh about this because I literally walked in there was house and the first thing I said like that's very much where I'm like I'm just comfortable around people and I was walking I remember taking the piss out from here and he was like I remember thinking this motherfucker just walked in my house took the piss out of me is I'm going to be fun.
 
 What a good count. I'm going to be friends of this dude literally since that moment, man and we've been like fucking the best of friends. That's basically what our relationship Our friendship has revolved around. And then it's like what do I mean and look at that. It's like these two brothers came at this right time. And you're gonna start feeling of belonging that you know where you didn't feel like you kind of really, you know belonged. And except do you just go I'm actually it's actually worth leaving. There was there was an outside but from that moment I haven't I haven't looked back like when I had depression when I was going through that stuff like doctors would give me all that those antidepressants. I remember not not liking the feeling of them and like I would always wake up and not want to fly and get out of bed or was on to make me go to sleep and I shouldn't have been not wanting to do shit. But then I remember when I literally when I met these turtles fuck these like the first like I feel like I've got we've got Shitload we've all got shins like common what there's no there's no bullshit here. Yeah, like all my friends growing up like I'm still good friends with them today but it was like it was not really I was a very surface level of friendship. Yeah, that's and this is the thing I always talk about is even siblings. I see siblings, you know, my husband and if you're not deep enough and you're not open to being vulnerable, you don't know any different, right? Because we grew up. I don't know about you, but we are growing up in a household where I was taught and it's a very much a cultural thing that you don't share your dirty laundry if you and you know you've got problems or something's happened. You just don't share it. You know, it's like airing your dirty laundry. And this is the problem like even in my women's groups in my in my programs. Women are breaking down going I fucking thought that I was the only one that had these problems when they realize that they're not because you know, even with their kids or with their partners or with themselves or things that have happened to them, and they realize that they're not alone. It's not that you want misery for other people that when you realize all these times there is nothing wrong with you that other people are connected and going through the same thing. You think fuck? It does make you feel a piece a little bit awkward. I think that's exactly what happened with me because like I said earlier, I remember going into that walk around. There's so many people that couldn't believe it. And I was like, for so long. I literally thought that I was the only one in the world coming from shit. That's why I got I got so angry. Because I felt like it was just me and I can't say waterfox is just me, like, man, like you get to that space and you see it was there was so many people who like there would have had to been almost 100 people there.
 
 I'm not the only one like it because like you said it gave me some sort of peace was like I'm literally they're all here because I'm not the same as me. I'm not alone.
 
 Like I was yesterday about it like I'm not alone. People need to know that they're not alone. And that's that was the biggest suffering. Fuck I'm not alone in any of this.
 
 The best feeling in the world. And I feel men more than anything because women you know, sometimes gas bag or beach, whatever you want to call it and they get out what they want. Not maybe not in the best way with other women, but they do right. Whereas men, they'll just you know, they won't they won't. They don't want to beg them you just because don't get in trouble and so they just keep that shit or their childhood. You just don't. And the other thing is, yeah, and the whole vulnerability piece and crying and feeling your feelings. Men especially feel that if they show that that you were going to judge them when in actual fact the whole time you were speaking and I was feeling what you were saying. I just want to come through that screen and fucking hold you in the most platonic way. You know, like, I just want to hold that boy. I just my mother instinct just kicked in. And I just want to hold you so mad, you know, so badly and I would never feel that towards many people that don't know you're fucking massive, right? Like, by fucking massive do and I don't feel that towards men, you know? So like, I'm just not there. But it's that vulnerability piece that makes me just want to, you know, and my husband who's going to edit this podcast knows that that's such a, it's not coming from that place. It's coming from a place of pure, pure love. And dad is the thing is that if people only knew you'd become more connected to other human beings, but you can't until you have compassion for yourself, like you said, you had so much compassion for your mom and love for your mom, right?
 
 When so many men and I hear all the time and I want to go back to that piece. I hear about that abandonment wound because it's very common. And I can see very much how a woman can leave her kids okay, because it's fucking a lot of pressure and then if you've got your own sheet coming out, and it's triggering, because I know you're a bit of what I'm right now, but you don't have kids. And I was always the most amazing auntie. And I thought I'd be the most incredible mother and I am but it has been the most challenging and the most work I've ever done on myself through the mirror that my kids keep fucking showing me. The same thing are probably daily memos that through all of this work, the one thing I'm probably the most grateful for is the connection meme. Me and my sister that lives here have built like we had a very fun Yeah, it's weird. It's such a surface level like relationship it was it was like it was fucked. Like it was terrible. And like for literally threw this all the way I remember when I forgot all that stuff. I remember signing up for kanwariya to I think it was and then I got through there and she was like, I remember she messaged me one day, we're still living together at the time and she was like, wow, I'm really struggling with this, which was massive and insane because when she'd never she's, if you know what's the she's probably more behind us them or I was and she's like, she remembers she and we should I'm surely struggling with this. Have you got anything to help me and I'm in that reach? I remember, you should do this program. That was the first query I think it was what might have been the second I can't remember. And she, her response was like, Well, what's wrong with me? What do you thinks? And I was like, nothing's wrong. You just do it. She's like I've seen use that change so much as I just do it. Just go and do it. I remember. I think it was the last time I remember messaging one was, Hey, Rose in the space for my sister in the seat. She went off to do and he was like, awesome, we'll get back to you. He was like Yo, bro, I can go get her and get her and literally through all of this stuff. Like my hermana relationship is like when it could not separate us now.
 
 I've actually to be honest, I've I really I've seen posts and stuff and the way you speak to each other and there's a bit of envy there for me because I don't have with my brother, you know, when he hugs me, you know I said to Zane Why was the first brother that isn't you know that I have never been intimate with that hugged me for so long that I was like what the fuck? My dad would hug me that my brother does this tap on me
 
 it's not hard at all, and it's not. And he's my brother. Yeah. And it upsets me and at the moment, we don't even talk but it really upsets me that he he hasn't connected to his heart. You know? And when I see these siblings, and I see you know, men like you that I call brother and I feel that you know even though we're not we don't see each other it's some it just it really does make me very sad that it is very surface level and most humans are living very surface level. Yeah, I guess it's yeah. Oh, that's legit how me and my sister were like it was like we used to argue and like there was a slight like we would say some fucking shit to each other right now. Now like before even going in, like every day without fail. We've seen it. We talk on WhatsApp. We'll send each other videos all day every day. Like just as like what's going on in your day? What what I'm working for what she's working through. Same thing what what you just said about the kids, but she's such she's just the exact same thing to me. But her kids she's also beautiful is that how beautiful is that? You were able to turn that around in his fucking lifetime? Yeah, it's unreal. I'm so grateful. For it and there's still obviously has a lot of work to do have my oldest sister she's she's the oldest one she's she's pretty stubborn and because she would have seen a lot more to Hey, like I think she's coming around slowly but the biggest one is obviously me and my sister and me and my dad.
 
 Like me and my dad are so close now. It's crazy. But I'm really grateful to all of this is a connection that I've been building with my sister. It's crazy. We talk literally all day every day on WhatsApp. How beautiful is that? And like can I just say because I see that all the stuff you share as well like, how beautiful is it after doing this work that you can instead of like coming from a hurt hateful place because of your childhood right? You turned it around and you just have so much love and you want to share that with just other human beings in general, don't you? Yeah, yeah, I did. 400% I do like this. I feel like that's that's the natural fitness and natural state we should all be in fact, don't get me wrong at times. I still fall back into being a like a ship. Of course, you know, a piece of shit. And like one thing I suppose actually meanwhile, went on a walk this morning and we spoke about like, in our corridors to like, be so focused on where you're going and where you want to be. But it's like I feel like especially me why and like some of the other bros maybe some other people as well. So I feel like we we do get caught up so much on the person that we used to be we tend to talk about it and sit on that a lot. And I was like, I'm not doing that anymore. I like I'm gonna acknowledge. I'm gonna acknowledge the person that I've asked but I'm not going to do is every chance I get to go back and bring it up like I'm gonna I was this I was that like this.
 
 The more we keep bringing it up, the more we're allowing ourselves to go back and revisit and bring but it's just I just don't want to do that anymore. Yeah, no Can I just speak into that because I I was on the opposite actually. So I'm only bringing it up lately, literally, because I've actually come so far that I forgot who I was. Yeah, but when I have clients like in spaces where they're in a really bad place with a husband in a really bad place with themselves that I have to remember I actually was there so that I can share that with them. And I come from such a vulnerable space as a coach that when I talk and I tell them, they don't believe me. And I have to tell them and they're like, well, and I'm like yes and my husband too like this is where we were my husband has grown so much and I bring it up only so because I feel that when people can see that you come from the same place you were able to make the change it makes it gives them hope that they can to resume experiences relatable, right like yeah, like you don't see all these well no way calling book smart people or psychiatrists or so they sit there and just shit that they've learned I don't feel like most of its being taught or preached to you by it from experience and you can't. Ya can't teach and that's why I feel like we all men, and especially the boys, we all connect, so when we are able to talk to other people, so just because most people are going through our benefit, we've been through some similar shit. And it's something that we're learning out of a book like it's like, people sometimes attack us. They use our fucking intergender for this. It's like well there's no better education experience right?
 
 Now, whatever you say, you can't teach the shit that I really like. We've all been through through life experiences, like 100% And it's not only that, it's like you embody the work.
 
 Psychologists preach it, but that doesn't mean that they do it. Yeah, except with a practice that way. Exactly. So it's the same thing, you know, and like I'm studying with Dr. Gabor Mattei, who's a psychologist at the Cabal and he actually he's the old man he actually talks a lot about when he's coaching. He doesn't coach in nothing he talks about his from his psychology degree. It's all about this work. And I've noticed that with him. Yeah. Yeah. And he talks about that, you know, like going back to the tribal days of how, you know, we were the hunter gatherer style and how kids needed their parents. And that's, that's the stuff that he talks about. But he also talks about which I was always doing instinctively, that it's okay to be vulnerable. In front of your client, and show them where you have come from, and psychologists will never do that. And so you are left there sometimes not to open up as much because you don't want to show too much vulnerability, you know, whereas if people see your page Why wouldn't they want to work with you?
 
yeah
 
 yeah yeah. And can I say so? This has been so beautiful and so fuckin real and I absolutely love it.
 
 I wanted to ask because you know I see you all I see now and clearly you know you've worked on your body and your health is and fitness is so important to you and I love that if I can triggers me sometimes I wish I could go to the gym like that
 
 so, you know that's that's a really important thing. too, isn't it? Is that you know, is your health and fitness but you've changed your body's changed and how did you how did you navigate through that because that is something that I have to be really open and honest about is that I still struggle, because I was someone that could eat whatever she wanted and I was skinny, and then I hit my 30s and I can't you know, and I know that you love the kind of food that I like to but you get to work out.
 
 Discipline. Hey, like you KFC? Yeah, have you met similar food?
 
 Honestly, if I was if I could have my audit that should every day. Yeah, right. So what do you do? Are like now I just know as I get older, I can't get away with that stuff as much. Did you supplement your food? Yeah, I have now I am now but like, don't get me wrong. If I feel like something surely I'm going to eat it. Like I'm not going to eat yourself. I love that. Yeah, like, I guess the biggest thing for me is but I wish it didn't take me so long but it happened as it was supposed to but like I was very much opposite of you like I would I would just I grew up on luck and takeaways state just needs every night as well. Dad knew how to cook and it'd be fish and chips or cooking Cheevers have been Hungry Jacks. Yeah. So it was literally well that's all I grew up on was that shit like that?
 
 Like, off ship and just recently I'm like, like muck guts. I was like terrible. And it's like, I guess as I've gotten older you realize how important food is not just physically but like mentally as well. Like even now if I have say a ship fi like an unhealthy or like a like an Off Plan.
 
 C food like I just I notice how it makes me feel now what do I do that makes me feel like shit like it just makes you feel yuck or enjoyed at the time but then after you realize Yeah, especially that's when you realize how important Yeah, everything that like like it helps not just like the shit you put in your body. It's everything right? Yeah, yeah. 100% Yeah. But can I ask you when you say it took me so long. So what was the turning point for you? Because clearly you would have wanted it. But you couldn't. You know, I mean, like, what was it?
 
 I feel like it's the same thing. You just are you always tend to this is me anyway. And I think it's probably speaking to the boys. It's probably there's some I think there's something that you're going through that makes you just turn everything inward.
 
 And like say for example, like was it recently just suddenly my clients feel the same. They're just like, the food is a big struggle and I worked with it with Drew wild as well and one of the line of the sand and food is hard. Like he's What do you stop? You know what I mean? Like, when if for how long do you die it like what do you do? Right? Like it's such a broad you know, if that is your dynamic, and that is your lice, and that is my only advice at the moment. It's like, it's very easy to justify, for me having a burger because it's homemade. You know what I mean? justify that she may have made a dirty burger on the seat. That's like I love that shit, but what does it for me?
 
 Okay, oh, no, I think I just got to a point where I was like, the same thing when I started doing this work. So I just got to a point I was like, This is enough.
 
 And I didn't want to keep living life that way. Especially as I get older, like, you know, you get niggles and pains and you just feel sluggish here and now.
 
 The only thing that I'm doing wrong the training was still the same. I've tried a little bit harder now than anything I'm getting wrong and all of this was like the food.
 
 That's like if I can change it just a little bit at a time like not Did you slip up or was it just like not one at all? And you just kept jumping back on? Oh all the time. But like off slipped up at last one when I first started I did all the fast and it was so much way and I was like quite skinny went up and like I'm just like are open I was doing this for a while I wanted to still maintain like my low body fat and I was and then I just thought that my mom just ate shit all the time or not. You're not naughty for ages and then when I would eat it'd be shipped food.
 
 And then I just wasn't like it just wasn't the smart way to do it. And then I just got to a point where there's one thing I can dial in that's my food. And I'm not going to change at all like drastically I'll just do a little bit at a time. And then like like we always say it's just like keep building and over time it's a little bit more a little bit more, a little bit more, no more. And that's at the point now where like, majority of the food that I eat is clean.
 
 But then if I have like I have a really bad sweet tooth, like thanks to my dad like me and all my sister demonstrators like if I feel like something is right I'll just go and get it I'm not I'm not going to punish myself or I'm not going to not eat this knife right you know she's done it enjoy it. Yeah. I don't want to be like one of them people that's like she needed that he does he does that is balanced, everything's balanced.
 
 And it will tell me like has that helped your confidence? 100%
 
 Especially in my past relationships and stuff like that, that I'm not blaming them at all like I'm guilty of them the same thing with us like Garfield stuff and like spaces with people and structure of your confidence and I know I've no doubt I would have done the same thing. Like in past relationships too, but it's like little like comments your name from other people doesn't have to be in relationship. Other people out little comments will just chip away at your confidence. And then I've noticed like, just the way I carry myself I walk around I've never take my shirt off and I was like I'd hate to go for a swim. I didn't want to take my shirt off and then I was like
 
 everything is good, but it's just this one thing that I'm not that I'm just struggling with.
 
 What can I do to change and then if I build like, solid, solid like habits, discipline, that's gonna make me feel more confident in what I'm doing in the way I hold myself and since I've been doing that like the way that I hold myself like a hardware shop anymore like I've actually never seen a top
 
 down barely this one when I said NO SHIT I was hot but it's not that I wonder software like I've worked for this I'm not gonna jump around because
 
 I've worked so hard for this so I'm gonna fucking show off the hard work. Exactly. I actually see that in a coaching call with one that if I do lose weight, or if I'm just gonna be in a bikini all the time. I'm not actually I'm not actually joking so didn't already know if I was to go to the blade that I want only a couple of kilos. I can and I will be in my bikini. I love them. Do that.
 
 Yeah, sure. And this was a conversation that I put out that was one of the messages abroad have always message me like, hey, you know where you're at in terms of you showing it off for you? Are you showing it off other people? To me? Yeah, no, you just for me? I don't give a fuck like, oh, no, this is people off but I don't like it. That's not my stuff. Isn't that interesting that it does though because I sent it to you in a message that my son is buddy going to be 10 And he's got a six pack like he works out every day. He's got a monitor stuff, but he wants to be a basketball champion. So he was outside doing dribbles. He's constantly working on his body and his training and will be a barbecue at someone's house and someone covered yesterday. He'll just have his top off and my parents used to be really triggered like put a tarp on and I'm like, leave him alone. Leave him alone. Hopefully. What what do you start like, why are we telling him to cover he's if he's comfortable and confident and he wasn't when he was younger? Because he was like Daddy doesn't as a must. I was I was like if I had a body like yours, I would, you know, take his top off war to be that model right? And so I love that he's already got that because kids do grow up very insecure. You know what I mean? And it's funny you say my car literally had this concept. My nephew certain is Asia. So yeah, he's navigating something. And to my mother, my sister sort of struggling to navigate so she wrote me Mr. Musharraf and he's he's a kid cancer. I don't know where it's come from then. And how old is he?
 
 Maybe six seven. Yes, my daughter. Yeah, cares what people think. Coming from school. Yeah, that's what I said to her like something's happening from at school, right? Like he won't do certain things most because he's worried so much about what other people would think. Yeah. She's like, I want him to come and hang out with you for a weekend so you can teach them self confidence.
 
 Like every every school holiday, they sort of get all the next weekend when I'm off work. I said he can come stay with me and just she's like she she struggled. I don't know where it's coming from work, that I have projects that he's going to do for school one. He's got to take some to school and it'd be COVID. But then I get the score whenever that I don't want to do it. But I personally think it's kids at school.
 
 Because that was my daughter like my daughter is just talking about in physical constantly. And she's like wishing she didn't have blue eyes.
 
 And I'm like I used to wear contracts to have bloody blue eyes and you've seen it right. She's beautiful not being wise. Yeah. She's actually been a child model as she did a lot of modeling when she was younger, and she will cry sometimes and say, after school, I'm ugly. I'm ugly. And it's because the other kids at school have said stuff and I'm like But honey like I actually I struggle with it. Because I look at her sometimes and just think oh my fucking goodness. She's going to be a stunner when she's older. Like she's just perfect. And where is this coming from? And I've just got a constantly now for me, it's like I've got to show up talking beautiful about myself constantly. And that's been a struggle as well. Because you know, we've been told not to do that just so I can model that for her and she's actually gotten much better and shown her I don't care like what other people think. I don't care. I've got to constantly tell her, I don't care. And it wasn't till I jumped out of the car once and started dancing. That my son was like, Oh mom, like, what are people gonna think? And I said I don't care. And so I was like, who cares and don't use ticket and I was like, yeah, he's encouraging me, but he would never have done that in the past. You know? I mean, because he's probably would have jumped on a goal. What are you doing, bro? Like, don't let your wife do that. You know what I'm saying? So nowadays, like, I don't care, he's pushing me which I love and now my son's going to be the dead. And then now my daughter's going. Can you teach me how to be confident like that money? That's beautiful. And I'm like, Oh, wow, I'm so glad that I can and it's what I do stand up. That's what I want to keep going on the stage. I show them all my videos. I don't get embarrassed. I'm like I used to but the more you step in and the more you do it, you actually get more confident and you lose that fear. Like we're teaching our kids this now and I'm sure your sister is of course you know to to does the same thing, especially with kids and we all know this from experience everything. Kids are sponges, especially at that age.
 
 Everything is not like just like every behavior you pick up as all learned about it. So that's why I believe me personally as well that it's 100% Correct from school 100% It is a part of this is why part of I kind of like I'm still like, I'm not I don't love school, and I really would love to be able to take them out but we just don't have the resources around us but I feel like I'm not placed that much importance on school because of this. I feel the way the other kids have been taught that aren't don't have conscious parents. They do say some really insane things in my my nine year old thank God we've like really builds him up to be resilient because he's very confident with his basketball, the stuff that comes out of his mouth because he's so confident can really trigger a lot of the kids and so kids will go to your sheet player, your sheet when he's actually really good. And so it actually really hurts us that that shit starts and I can't interfere the smart asses the put downs because their dads do it. You know, I've seen some of the dads do it, you know, get out of here. It's that mentality where we don't do that Zane doesn't do that Zane actually, we muck around with him. You know what I mean? But we're not soft with him. But we build him up and we tell him doesn't matter what other people think. We've got to keep on building him up. They're going to be jealous. You got to keep going. You got to focus forward, don't worry, block out the noise. And he asked me if you have a mayor, I'd say oh, why tell me because when he's on the court, they try to tell him that you want to bring him down. Because he says I'm going to be a champion. I'm gonna play for him the eighth and so sometimes. That's so cool. Yeah, man. He says it. He says it and he says with confidence and I don't really drink and you're good enough. And he's like, Yep, I'm good enough. And I train every day and I'm going to be the son to be that. So these kids are going Who do you think you are? Yeah. So I tell him you need to look forward. Just do not worry about their background. That's it. Keep going forward. Keep going forward. And it's hard man because sometimes you'll come back down and he's gonna come get we're gonna get him back.
 
 But anyway, I've stolen I know all the How about putting a discipline that I've built over the last few months? And like even now, that was the other day of confidence. Yeah, I loved it. I had a one of the PTS at the gym that I go through. Awesome guy read Cubify really nice dude. He's in fucking phenomenal shape, phenomenal shape and a huge amounts of media every day. And we always have a little general chitchat and they come up to us by you just now the last two, three years of my life and that post and I was like, if I can get me like, I call him the White Rock. He's like what I do, but he's built like a brick. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. And I was like, Holy Blood. But I'm not the only one that thinks like that. No.
 
 Because we literally he went to a friend's house recently and he was like, still weird about going for a swim at his friend's house. And also, isn't that so strange? It was so deeply ingrained in us to like 100% Even like I'm so grateful for especially why recently so fuck you I've been very lucky always gassing me up and I even at times still on what I always say.
 
 I'll go a year but or like the flick that over to somebody else. Or just be like Yeah, but look a lot like I got to work on this or I used to do that. I used to do that and I still I still do it. What do you fucking doing bro? Just like take the damn compliment and go thank you my bro like, sort of like are always this is a conversation I had put this out there pts. It's always people will give me a compliment. But I'm always set by a year but it's so deeply ingrained and men are what all of us just always find that one little thing.
 
 Someone could say 100 good things about us. But we're always going to find that one bad thing a year but you know, as we're striving for perfection that doesn't even fucking exist.
 
 That's one thing I still struggle with. Like today as I'm here. I'm still not gonna stop doing it then and I'm fucking grateful for like, Wow, another bro. Elliot. I catch you on it. Let's do that casual. It's like no you gotta stop doing that. Or like that always missionary fuck helps as well. Fucking local. you're a 66 shot. I mean, like I'm always taking my take my Barack Obama just kind of put like except that now instead of always been like year but my body fat.
 
 If you had this is my opinion, if you had a boy, if you had a child that would do is shift for you wonder why. Because you would see, like sometimes it's hard when we go talk to her little boy right inside you right and paint bucket.
 
But if you had a boy, you like a son, you would actually be like fuck I wouldn't be I would never told my son but look at that. You still got that if he was a teenager, you know what I'm trying to say you would actually say to him, No, you look beautiful and that's what came up for me. After I removed my implants, I had these fucking breakdown, like, for a week I was crying either actually reached out to Brielle and I was like, fuck what a mistake I've made. And now I can't believe that's the same person but all the insecurities came out that big boobs and implants and what's going to happen is, is I'm going to start looking at other fucking chicks because he met me with his implant and he's like no baby perky and I look good because I had a lift and whatever but I then had to go Hold on. If that wasn't my daughter, I'd be telling you you look beautiful. I wouldn't be shaming her and I had to navigate through that. And if I didn't have her because sometimes I find it hard to talk to that little girl in me.
 
 You know, I'm trying I've really struggled even though I navigate my clients through them through the breath so deeply because while breath work is very different. I do inner child work. They go there and they recall memories that they've never had before. I need someone to do what I do to me. I struggle for myself to go there so I have to use my daughter as my mirror. And even with when I got sexual abuse when I was younger, I shaved myself for 40 fucking years. Did I ever go? No, I tried to tell myself what you were you're 1213 You knew better blah, blah, blah. Constantly trying to shame myself. And it wasn't till I had a child that I went. You would never shame you're 1213 year old ever, for any reason recently. Somebody said that to me. What would you say that if it was your nephew? Somebody said that recently, but yeah, not and I know. Somebody said that to me.
 
 Actually, I'm saying if you now because I know how close he is to you. If your nephew comes up came up to you and he's like 1213 When I look at the I don't I'm not good enough here to be like trying to shake the phone.
 
 By looking at you. You're just perfect. Because sometimes my son can go look at this here because he's watching bodybuilders at all. He watches these men he's the programs he does he he tries to crack down on his exercises. I say myself stop because you get success. You have too much of that he's obsessive as well stop Honey, your bloody beautiful look at you your baggage. And so yeah, maybe use your nephew as that. You know.
 
 That's sort of what snapped me out I'm sure I would not have maybe it was one for sure. But because I don't want to compliment me too much. I gotta be careful but all you guys I mean, you guys look incredible man. You're incredible. own worst critic. And it's obviously a healthy criticism to have like self criticism, but maybe awareness, awareness, but definitely my no mine was at the point where I was I was I wasn't healthy. Like it was like yeah, and I felt like part of that obviously, like, Should probably trace back to like, kind of like I wasn't waiting. That's like relationship I have my mom watching like I'm not good enough.
 
 And there was someone I spoke about recently and my psychologist was like, like navigating sort of like spaces and relationships with like, people. Woman.
 
 That's like I still didn't feel like and even like their times as I said, Now customer don't feel like I deserve that. Because part of me still feels like a biome was the reason why mom left like, Man, that's a deep one. Of course. That's like, even though I felt like accepted a lot right years ago. There's still that little part of me that feels like No, no, like, it was your fault. That's your fault. Why she left. You would have told yourself that story is a little boy for so long. I would leave. I would go outside of myself to like try and get them to love me again or get them to because that's what I was trying to learn. From them not perform well away.
 
 Yeah, and that's like my services. There's literally nothing tomorrow. I want to see that tomorrow. Recently. Like last week, she cried. She was like, This is not your fault, man. Like nothing you've got to know. It.
 
 Literally breaks my heart here and you say their little boy still feels like it was his fault that woman.
 
 That's not nice.
 
 She was only regardless.
 
 Sorry, I need to be okay with that. Now.
 
 See, because it's interesting when I look at you and I know you're single. I think that's because you must struggle to find a woman that's going to actually deserve to be that's one of the things there's been some amazing fucking woman in my life and like, I want him.
 
 Yeah, just in terms of like relational things, but like, that's that little that that experience alone, like with the mother thing is 100% played a part in running all those chips, like 100%. Yeah, because you're trying to prove to yourself that that's the benefit, right? Like, are you trying to prove to yourself that you're gonna leave and so then you'll be like, Just fuck off and you know just go because you do whatever you can I support as well to prove that you're just gonna leave in the end anyway. So you push them away and then they do leave then you go see on your other one fucking leave environmental conscious. I don't even haven't been in the group because my mom never left me but just leaving me in childcare. And with nannies from a very young age from three months old, is the abandonment wound for me. So I can only imagine how enhanced that would be for you. Yeah, right. That'd be like that was literally what you said was liberal. I did that in my relationships. We reply and every time we'd have a fight, it would always be like, just leaving. Why don't we just break up even with Zane the beginning? It's just going to divorce. It's just going to divorce and he was the only one that didn't go Alright, let's just fuck off the only one that would ignore it. He would ignore it and he say to me, I don't give a fuck what happens. I'm not leaving you. I'm not going to leave you. I know that. I know that. You don't mean what you're saying. And I'd be I'd be saying it. And as I'm actually saying, I didn't actually mean it. I'd actually want to be with you anymore. I would actually want this relationship and really I was like, please do fucking leave me.
 
 Leave me what I was saying. You were like 100% like that, like to a tee. And again, this and that same conversation. I have myself.
 
 Every relationship, especially the past few that I've been in the house like I felt like like I'm so loved this person and like I'm so I'm so I've given everything like I'm so open to all of this relationship, but it's like, no, I wasn't that little part of me. That's like, not like I'm upstairs and I'm telling myself I'm stepping in 100% but it'd be like 99% 1% of me that's like well I'll just hold on to this in case it doesn't work out. Which is probably why it didn't fucking work out anyway. That's right. When is when you actually show yourself when you're so much more lovable. Exactly. And I was like you said earlier like if it didn't work, why didn't try it and stuff and probably anyway. Yeah, so no that's not fucking works. On this. You've got to do some more. You know what you say is that I knew it wasn't gonna work out anyway. Luckily, the exact I knew I wasn't gonna listen.
 
 Because you weren't fucking What do you do and 100% No, that. Yeah, you try and trick yourself. Tell yourself you were when you were all over again. Like I thought this isn't the right one. It's not to.
 
 That's very much like, I feel like this is just my opinion. I'm not saying it's true. And so everything else is so accessible today. Like the show gets hard, especially relationships. I love hearing stories about yours and my sisters well. They relate that relationship struggles or any other relationship I love hearing about like yours, especially when it's like get to the point where it's over. Well feels like it's over. But then you're just now always I love hearing stuff like that. I feel like I'm grandparents especially as such good models and that like instead of look I'm understand I'm not saying stick around with chips these different though Yeah honey because like this is they said all but they will fucking miserable and unhappy. Whereas I we'd fucking literally shifted it man. Like, everything changed. He's not the same guy. I'm not saying yeah, and that is that it's almost like, like, even the way we make love. Everything has changed. Our romance is back to like the honeymoon period that fades. People don't believe me but you can actually get that back 10 times for but if you call it you know what I'm saying? You can have it better when you're new to like, because I remember Zayn wa having to talk to us because I felt not saying but Zane didn't know how. Yeah, you know, so it wasn't his fault. And I didn't know how I want it to be seen. Yeah, I was about to say that. Yeah. I was like, I want you to see me but I didn't know how to oh, I wanted him to see me. Yeah, I've experienced something like that. I just don't know how that looks. Yeah.
 
 I guess what was I trying to say? Like, I guess what I mean by what I was saying earlier. It's like I feel like everything especially these days social media. Like I can just you can you can listen to our Disco do and go find something else. Somebody else you know what I mean?
 
 I'm not saying I'm not saying stick around if you're getting flat, like getting fucking you know, beautiful.
 
 But, like, I love hearing stories like that was like, you know, we're almost over but we found a way to change ourselves and make, like our relationships flourishing. Like I love hearing stories longer, especially when you see like old, old elderly couples are married for like 5060 I'm like how the fuck? Like, how does that even? I can't even I used to actually say a lot and think a lot that. And when we were talking even if we were talking I would still use the hypothetical that like, you know, if I was to marry someone else, I would talk like that. I would actually think of maybe one day because this might not last forever. Because my parents are divorced as well. And now it's like, I know that we are growing old and dying together. Like I know that and he knows that and there is not and I was extremely insecure. And I'm a lot older than Zane like I'm 47 this year and he's 39 year man out.
 
 So look, I used to be extremely insecure about that because my mom and his mom and a lot of people would be on that right. And it's so interesting because I honestly now without a doubt doesn't know that I'm even getting older. He made me my 30s now in my 40s Coming to 50 I know for a fact this energy and this what this coin can bring. He's not looking anywhere else he would have before if I hadn't made my change in here and change. But I know that in myself, I know that he goes to the gym now and I used to be insecure about that and things like that. Like it's just so crazy that when you are so sure of yourself. That's confidence when you are so sure of yourself. He's fucking sure of you too. Yeah, you know what I mean? That when I was putting that doubt, then he was feeling that doubt and then he wasn't able and it just created so much shit man. That's the business that I get this when you're so fucking sure yourself what anyone thinks or what anyone else does. It doesn't matter. Yeah. Like and that's sort of why I feel like I'm at now like, this stuff. Stuff that comes up obviously, of course, are like, throw you off where you're going and what you're doing and like almost will say I do shit to try my question. make you question like who you are. Yeah, I'll take a seat at the point this morning. I thought it was a problem the chair the point our that I don't like side of us, but I don't give a fuck what anybody says.
 
 I just don't like the energy around that but I'm just like, like on the side. This is for me.
 
 Everyone else you can either watch or not watch. I don't that's not my problem. We're not for everyone.
 
 Some people like chocolate madman and I'm okay and I'm okay with that too. And I never used to be I want it to be for everyone. But now it's same thing with my comedy. I'm learning that as well. I literally got up and did a stand up. And no one fucking laughed. No one laughed and to keep on going. That's confidence, man. For sure. Keep on going. There's a roomful of men. Egotistical comics, and no one laughed. And I was like, fuck that. I'm coming next Wednesday with a new set.
 
 And I'm going to smash it. Of course. Yeah. Boss, because they a lot of the men don't want the women because a lot of there's not that many and there's more coming up and they don't want it. What made you what made you want to step into that like was it wasn't cause of confidence or you just wanted to push yourself? No, so no, it was the confidence that helps me I've been a comedian all my life as in like I have been that like I've gotten high school and primary school friends literally saying to me, oh my god, I remember that story. Or I remember you being the clown was the class clown. So many smart officers and class clowns, actually comedians, but they would never even know what do I know why? Because you would just never have thought of going up. I can't be on stage because you are you Zane. But the fear of ever going on the stage would never cross the mind. So you would never even like allow yourself to think that far. And it was only when I'd get stoned that I'd be like, Oh my God actually.
 
 Like because then because it would always elevate my mood. And so the more elevated I got, then the more elevated it would make me think. And then I'd say the same thing. But imagine if I can make so many people laugh when I'm at an event. And imagine those people came to a comedy show and then I started to like, put the puzzle together. But well, I've got to step in and try it. And so I always do. I did acting. I studied acting. I always wanted to be a comedian. But I was like there's no way that I could do stand up like that. Takes fucking balls. You know, I bet that's probably the biggest thing out of everything. I feel like that would be it is. Yeah. So I just thought to myself, I just I tell clients that they can be everything and anything and they are becoming everything and like some of the becoming designers, singers and dancers. And doing all the things literally now like I'm becoming big that I thought to myself, or then hold on. That's something that I've always wanted to do. I've got to step into it. And I literally just got on the phone after an event that I was making all these people laugh and I was talking about trauma, but because I'm animated on the stage and my stories are funny talking about my walk parents, people were laughing and crying from laughing. I said I've got to do this man. There's people like my friends now and they know they don't know me and they're laughing. So I just called the comedy school which I learned a bit from and don't get me wrong. I shoot myself not now as much but I've got a competition coming up but I was shooting myself doing it. And I knew I still had to do it. And I thought what have I got to lose out how do I want to be remembered? I want to be remembered that I helped a lot of people and I wanted to be remembered that I was funny because I've always been doing like funny stuff. And it was hard man cuz I was like two opposite pages. One was like funny, the other one's serious. And I was like, Can I do this? And I'm still trying to navigate how I'm going to do a one on one talk, but I'll be honest, I love helping people. But I'm at a point right now where I also want to be a famous comedian.
 
 I believe if I believe in this work, and I believe in myself enough, then nothing's gonna stop me while I'm alive. So I've got to take all the steps in place. And I want to book out an arena like why can I because I see Kevin Hart and I think fuck I love Kevin Hart. He's like, my, he's the way I tell my stories. And I love him. And I was like, that's what I want to do. Like I want to do what he's doing. And I want to do it the way he does it. I've just got to keep working on it and getting the coaches to help me and the people don't need to help with the writing my confidence every time I see someone a comedian, coaches tell me your confidence is on point. Like you've got the confidence which they a lot of people don't have. So then I'm like, fuck, if we're really truly limitless, I can do this. I can do it worldwide. Why can I that can sound that can get you the level of
 
 confidence alone like to say you tell the shutters joke the confidence alone behind it could make other people laugh You know what I mean? Of course because if they don't laugh now why notice some tools it makes some I can be actually said so fuckin Tough crowd. I could just like sit there and pull a fucking funny face. So you laugh at that but you don't laugh at the story about my dad makes me fucking swallow a cigarette. Yeah.
 
 I've just got to learn more, but the confidence if you've got confidence, it can fucking take you to the top man.
 
 Yeah, I agree with that 101 thing that I've been talking about lately. This was another conversation meanwhile, we should have done a triple here we'd love conversation with the other day too.
 
 We're talking about like, we're talking a lot lately about like having a confidence to actually I was admiring my mother makes it so much confidence and also like a bit of like, he doesn't give a fuck which I love about him. Yeah.
 
 Where he has the confidence to literally go up and say like Aska Raven check for his number once and also I'm pro How the fuck do you do that? Like I've never done that in my life. I've never really done that in my life.
 
 I'm like, well Meanwhile in this conversation like fuck, if you knew us you would think I'd like there's obviously confident dudes, but it's like this massive fear of rejection for me and some other parts of the same thing. But while my mate that I was acknowledging or having the confidence he was so naive and more just walking on the beach one day and he's
 
 like a beautiful just lady to some baking. I went up and asked for a number. She said no, but I said she was like my confidence and I said thank you have a nice day and I was like what the fuck like No, but I'm saying what do you got to lose if you did it? Exactly. The male my bra could never do that. Really never done it. I've never not every Lark or every relationship wherever you like Kim and I've been in a space for him as always, like I've always had some setback and like a lot of that come to me and I'm like, You know what, this year I'm like, Damn, that's gonna change so I'm going to stay like in like doing that will open up doors for you. I was like, imagine the opportunities or like, not just the opportunities through life, not just in terms of like being or somebody like that and we would have missed because we didn't have the confidence to like go and do it or step into it.
 
 I've literally never once gone out and done that to anybody. Well, not you don't want make that your thing. Oh my god. I don't know how long this has gone over. We're gonna have to say goodbye. I fucking love this fucking well.
 
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