No Plan B, Just Love's Journey

In this episode, I will be sharing a personal story of how my husband Zein and I navigated through our struggles and differences to reach a place of love, understanding, and growth.

It wasn't always easy. We had our fair share of challenges, disagreements, and moments of doubt. But we knew that we had something special - a love that was worth fighting for.

We worked on ourselves individually, taking the time to reflect, heal, and grow. We learned the importance of communication and actively listening to each other's needs and concerns. And through it all, we never gave up on each other or our relationship.

Our journey was not a smooth one, but it was worth it. Today, we stand stronger than ever, with a deeper understanding and appreciation for one another. We hope that by sharing our story, we can inspire others to never give up on love, and to always trust in the journey.

Transcript

Hello beautiful soul. I'm Sarah Michaels, and welcome to the Elated You podcast, where we dive deep into the world of self discovery, growth and healing to find out who you truly are. So today I want to talk about relationships and I want to talk about my relationship and I guess, so many people that navigating through what we did and when I say we, I mean my husband and I, something that I've been probably struggling with all my life was relationships. And so I thought what better way to make it a really authentic and genuine podcast? I wanted to invite my husband on so we can talk. Hey guys, how's it going? So this is Zane. Zein Michaels, this is my better half. You both. So I really want to share especially after the retreat coming off the retreat, so many people were like, you've got to do couples retreats because they saw the way we were together. And I guess that isn't where we were always. We weren't always in that in this place. That we are now and I have to sometimes, you know, remind myself where we were. And I think it's important because if we've done it, that means we can help others navigate through what they're going through. Right? Definitely. So what I mean, what do you think changed the most for us?
 
 Well, the first thing that we recognize is that we love each other, okay, and all the bullshit and all the crap we understood that we loved each other and if you love each other, that's the foundation when that's how everything can grow. Everything grow from just loving each other from there, right? You recognize that you think logically and go right? We love each other. Great. Okay. Now, the second thing we need to recognize is there's no plan B. There is no plan B if you love each other, then you work. Okay,
 
 so some people might say sorry to actually but because some people might be listening going, but love is not enough. Can't just be there can't just be lost. I mean, what about all the other things that happened? And so you still go, there is no plan B right?
 
 Of course, but what we love that's just the foundation. If you need to, you need to build on that you need to make sure that there's not only just love, there's also respect is also communication. There's also respect of each other's boundaries. There's so many assets, so many facets to a relationship they need to work on to ensure that you can actually have a happy and harmonious relationship which is what we continually did.
 
 And communication I reckon was a big one because you used to say that I'm not listening to you and I know a lot of men feel that with their women. Like I'm not listening to you. I'm not hearing you or I'm interrupting you. And I was like I'd get really emotional because I was like But this I am hearing you I am listening to you and I'm just engaging in conversation. I'm not meaning to be rude. How are you interpreting if I interrupted you like for you? What was the story that you were telling yourself like was it that I'm being disrespectful?
 
 I could probably be I could probably speak for many men and say that I felt that I was not respected or was not saying I was a piece of shit. And she doesn't love me. All that stuff just comes up.
 
 And the thing is, it wasn't the case at all. Like it was the opposite. It was that I want to hear what you had to say. And I was engaged so much that I wanted to share and speak and like you'd be like you're speaking over me and I was just and that was also just a way of how I communicated with my friends. And I guess no one ever had pulled me up on it before. But I think when I realized it was hurting you it did take me some time to change because it's like you can just click your fingers and change that behavior. Like it took some time doing it and maybe sometimes still, you're like, I was talking. And I hate it when you say it to me because I'm like, fuck now I'm getting told off again, but you're not telling me off. You're just reminding me that you don't like that. Yeah, exactly. And like the thing is, I don't get upset if you were to interrupt me and so I think that's what it is. I think if you if that's not a wound for you, oh, that's not something that bothers you, then you do it because you don't it's not your thing. Like there are other things that you might do, you know, like maybe not make eye contact sometimes, you know, that's what bothers me. So, I mean, that's one thing and I think the way we speak to each other the way we communicate it as well and be upfront and honest, is a big one.
 
 Definitely. Yeah, definitely being honest and upfront, and just having a chat with your partner sitting down, go alright, what are the things that really piss you off about what I do? Because as men, we want to keep the peace in the home, right? So we tend to tiptoe around our wife sometimes does not disturb the peace. Well, I can say that for myself. So we don't really express how we feel to our partner and communicate that so I think it's important as well to sit down with your partner and go write what are the things that you really love about me? What are the things that really piss you off and often go away and work on those things? And then that can be reciprocated with your partner, like, you know, I can ask my wife and your wife can ask you and you can work on the things that you know, piece your partner off for. Yeah, and just take it from there. Just just have an open honest conversation with your partner without getting you know triggers are inevitable some tasks but without having to you know, lash out your partner or blame your partner and say,
 
 let's talk about that. Okay, because I think that's something that we did a lot of and a lot of people do, is blaming, no, no, this is very cliched. This example of when you point your finger at somebody actually put your hand out in front of you right now and point your finger out. You've got three fingers that are pointing back at you. And that takes radical responsibility to go Hold on. I can't keep blaming that person for the way that I feel. And I know I blamed you for the way I felt all the time. And you did as well like if you weren't happy like I'm not happy, and it was my fault. And then if I felt rejected, it was your fault. And I think for me working on my inner child wound me working on my inner child wound and yourself right in the men's programs that you did that was massive for us because we started to take radical responsibility for the way you were feeling. And that's big. And I think as well, one day my daughter was saying to me, you make me angry, and I just said, Honey, I can't do that. I'm not you know, that's not that magical. I'm not helpful. I can't make somebody happy. And I can't make you angry. Like how did I do that? I don't have this one that just put a spell on you. And she was smiling as if that's true. And so that was a big one because I was really depending on my partners to make me happy and if they didn't really think I did. It's over. You're not for me.
 
 It's our responsibility to make our own selves happy. And another thing is, you need to have that level of consciousness and awareness that there are things that you need to work on. Because if you don't have that awareness or consciousness, then what are we doing? You're just gonna continue blaming the other person. But if you can sort of reflect on your own actions and your own behaviors and go right on it actually work on these things. And your partner does the same thing. It was discussed guess what's going to happen? You're just gonna grow and build on this beautiful foundation of love that you've set for yourself and have a beautiful and harmonious life. I mean, there's just never
 
 and is it? Is it easy? No, it's not that easy. No, it's not easy. Yeah, it's not easy. And this is the thing people have got this thing or device ships hard and it's not meant to be and that is what I was taught as well. Is that like, if the relationships it's too hard, so Okay, throw the towel. In. It's too hard. And that's what I used to do. I would run relationship and go to another and never go Hold on. What is the common fucking denominator here? And it was me and it was them as well. And they went out and did the same thing. But we went no, we do love each other. And the grass isn't greener on the other side. I'm going to find the same thing with someone else. Maybe a different wound will come up and same thing with you. So we went, why not try this and see how it goes. And it actually changed everything like it literally has changed our relationship. We actually came from a place and I'm going to try and I'm going to share really openly and vulnerably where we were, you know having these massive fights every two months. You know, things were good. They were so good because we're so passionate. But when they were bad, it was like I want a divorce. That was me that was me. Thinking I wasn't deserving of having this incredible relationship so that any little thing I proved to myself that it's not working out. I want to divorce and used to tell me off all the time about stop. What do you say what would you say to me like when I tell you I want to divorce? I won't be with you anymore. I'll be with someone else.
 
 You're just I saw it right through that on your daughter's Fulshear
 
 whereas other guys wouldn't. They wouldn't be like okay, stuff you then you didn't you're like you that's not what you want, I guess it is. And so my words were like, I don't want this relationship anymore. I don't want to be with you anymore. But my insights were like Please don't break up with me. Please don't break up with me. So I was like fighting with this scared little girl that I still hadn't really addressed. And I was so grateful at the same time. But I had this man that wasn't walking away. I'll be packing his stuff and going, I don't want you. I want you. And then if he would leave just because he wanted the space. I'll be like see, like I said, I knew he left but you told me to leave and I'd be like No, I'll just it wouldn't be matched what I was feeling and it was the worst feeling and I'd never felt so alone in my life. So I'd have to find something to blame you for constantly,
 
 or recommend we should talk about is the feedback Senge what we did in the morning. Yes, exactly. That's what's something that really set us you know, set up the day to make it you know, a really good day in at the start was something that we did it was really Dickey we felt was Ben Dickey off it was Ben dickey.
 
 I didn't as we
 
 did it, like you really felt the love of your partner because you felt like you were seen and heard. So, for those that haven't heard of what a feedback sandwich is book an appointment with us, you guys, there'll be something like this, right? So can you explain?
 
 Well, first of all, when you're talking to your partner or to anyone you shouldn't be saying the story I'm telling myself is as opposed to you did or I feel even I feel it's like it's still telling you that you feel a certain way and then they've taken the blame. So that was the first thing but the second part was the feedback sound and we don't even use it anymore because we don't need to we just communicate in a beautiful, beautiful way. was one thing I love about you. I think one thing I want you to change and we started doing with our children, I work and we did a feedback sandwich. And one thing I want to change about myself now that takes a lot of awareness again to them and responsibility. And you do have that ability to respond. That's the word when you break it down to do that for yourself. But let's just be honest, when we started the feedback sandwich because we weren't in the best place we would be I would be getting triggered because you'd be like, I want you to be less angry and I'd be like, motherfucker every day. You keep saying the same thing. I'm like, you don't say the same thing you're like, but you're still angry. So it's not changing. But the thing is, you're not supposed to communicate how you feel about the feedback sandwich you're supposed to just share.
 
 So what were the questions that you had to ask?
 
 I just said it. I just said it to him. So all three questions. I did it really fast by what you love about the person and what you want them to change when you want to change and what I want to change about myself I did I say that? I think I just ran. Yes. And that said it really fast. But I think that we would always
 
 you gotta say when when when you ask the question that partner needs to say that they need to sort of repeat or rehash what the person has asked. Yeah, so that I understand
 
 Yeah. And you know, you got it. You got Yeah, and you got to pursue it because for a long time, it was like this is annoying me like it was annoying me I like to hear the things that you liked about me. But like not that not my cooking because that's not about me. This is about something that I can do. That's like me saying I like it when you mow the lawn. I love that about you that you mow the lawn. I fucking can get a gardener you're replaceable, basically. So I feel like it's got to be personal to them. Like I love that you're caring. And then I started to the more I started say these things I love about him right? I started to open my heart to the person that he was and I was like I actually love this person. And I was like I was saying all the opposite to all the things that you were. And the reason why I want to share this is because I see so many people throw the towel in and I see so many people break up because it's easier. And it is it's easy to go I don't want this anymore and to actually do the work. And if only you knew that you could take this relationship to another level. And you'd regret it one day if you went on with life not giving it a full go. And I imagine that we actually divorce or every time I said it's over you actually left me
 
 sure give me an example of what a feedback sandwich looks like. Absolutely.
 
 You know, one thing I love about you it can I just say something as well when I remember when the kids were doing it and the kids were like, one thing I love about you and they were like going 1234 things to each other after the fight after a fight massage here. Are we actually saying it about 10 things? I was like okay, it was only one thing but that's beautiful. But can you see guys how you actually were saying how you hate each other and now look at you guys. So that's what I love that we've been able to do this even if you shoot with each other morning. Because it's hard, right? It's hard to do that. Right? So
 
 when you're loving who when your shitty? Haven't do it consistently have some discipline around it? Yeah. Okay, and watch how the feelings change.
 
 Yeah. 100% right. So, one thing I love about you is that you have fought for our relationship and kids so much fun for us. Right? And taken so tell them I want to keep going now and taken but I wanted to just tell you and you've just taken so much on board and changed everything. Okay? So one thing
 
 that no sorry. Nothing a little about me is that, you know, we've made a massive change in our relationship of work on our relationship. And thank you and then another cat on another coffee because I can't remember stuff.
 
 I said a lot and Okay, so one thing I'd like you to change sorry. One thing I'd like you to work on is stepping into these spaces with me more because I would love this.
 
 One thing that you want me to work on is actually stepping into these spaceships spaces. Thank you.
 
 One thing I want to change about myself is to be less triggered at the children.
 
 One thing you want to work on is to be less triggered with the kids. Yeah, thank you the way I react. So after that, now it's my turn. So I'd say one thing I love about you is your cooking amazing yeah, that's not about me it's about you something internal I love what you're doing.
 
 No no, it's got to be personal to me. That's like me saying the garden Come on.
 
 When you walk away the way your air shrinks
 
 so you like my jelly ants. Okay, cool. Thank you. So one thing you like about me is the way my ass shakes when I walk. That's it. Okay,
 
 one thing I want you to work on is managing your stress levels.
 
 Yep. Yep, for sure. Sorry. So one thing you want me to change is managing my stress levels. Work on work on sorry.
 
 And one thing I'll work on myself is helping you navigate through those stressful situations.
 
 Oh my goodness. One thing you want me to work on one thing you want to what? One thing that you want to work on. Now one thing I think that you want to work on? Me? Yeah, it's to help me navigate through situations. That's fucking gold. That's beautiful.
 
 So you need to repeat it.
 
 I did repeat it by was hitting the button. You want me to work? Thank you. Oh, by the way. Yes, that's right. We didn't say thank you. We didn't win any the rest of us by the way. Did you Okay? Oh, look back now I'm gonna look back we recorded this. So now guys, we struggled to find things that no not that we loved each other. But it was like very easy to find things that we wanted the other person to but it was is it not special if he just wasn't not change? What was it to, to work on yours to work on? We had so many and now we're struggling to find something that we want the other part partner partner to work on. Which is crazy, right? Because when you can push through that you start to find that new way. And I think that's what we found is a new way to communicate a new way to navigate through things and I'm so grateful for the people were one of them who helped us with that and another man who told us you know another end it told us there was no plan B so I really feel like if everybody really took you know, advice, whatever you want to call it. It would really, really really help your relationship. So
 
 if you're looking for a way to start, definitely do the feedback sandwich. When you're pissed off when you're when you're in a good way together. Just do it. And yeah, try it out for a couple of weeks.
 
 I love you my god. I love you guys. Thanks for listening. If you found value in this content, please subscribe to my podcast and head over to Instagram at elated_you to see what I'm getting up to. Bye